Anidumbpeople - The Stupid One
by Piett
Summary: Introducing Chester. Warning: reading may cause extreme nausea.


Anidumbpeople: The Stupid One  


* * *

The eyes that stared back at him were perfect.   
So beautiful, loving and happy.   
He could get lost in those wonderful eyes forever.   
They looked back at him with a seemingly identical wonder.   
He said nothing. He didn't need to.   
His heart joyfully reminded him of how lucky he was - it wasn't often that you found your perfect match. Marco knew the others wouldn't understand, so he didn't really say anything.   
He just continued gazing into those lovely eyes....   
"Marco, get out of the bathroom! Surely you've finished combing your hair by now?"   
The voice of Marco's dad wafted up like a greasy gaseous discharge.   
Marco knew that his dad was getting impatient, and wanted to use the mirror too. Marco couldn't really blame him, however - Marco's mom HAD disappeared in a bizzare way. They were fishing together, when cement flew out of nowhere. "Arthur! Cement out of nowhere!"   
Marco's dad looked up, but he was too late - his wife was drying into a nice garden statue. Unable to save her, he made a terrible decision - he would have a pipe inserted through her and make her into a fountain. But before his nice plan could come to fruitition, a giant spacefaring hippo sucked Marco's mom up in orbit, and Marco's dad never saw her again.....   
Still, he thought, who needs a mom when I've got me!   
Damn, I'm good...... with that, however, he ducked downstairs to go eat some snacky cakes.   


* * *

Jake made his way to the barn where the other Animorphs met.   
He liked the barn. I mean, who COULDN'T like such a great barn?   
He was sure it was a much better barn than one that could be built by the Taxmen, or the Hoot-and-Jeers, or even the evil Kerk controllers. Damn, they were evil, those Kerk controllers.   
But they couldn't compete with this barn!   
Jake walked in just in time to see Axelrose-Eggnog-Isthmus morphing.   
Boy, thought Jake, he sure looks funny! Like a Giant waffle!   
Mmmm....I could go for a waffle....   
Jake suddenly lost control and start gnawing on Ax!   
Damn, this is an unsually meaty and chewy waffle, Jake mused as he bit into Ax's still morphing leg.   
Prince Jake, why are you attempting to gnaw my leg? I'm more popular than you!   
Jake didn't seem to hear him, so Ax quickly lopped Jake's head off with his Scorpion-like tail.Oops, Ax said.   
"Oh my god, you killed Jake!" Cassie screamed. "You BASTARD!"   
Cassie began hitting Ax too, so Ax lopped HER head off.   
"Ax! As your friend, I demand that you stop killing people!" Tobias said, walking in in human morph. Sorry, friend Tobias. I merely got a little frisky.   
Tobias nodded and went on. "Allright folks, we're here to discuss the latest order of the day - the new leader.   
Being the one with the coolest method of finding the Blue Morphing box, I vote we have Chester A. Arthur!"   
"Thank you, thank you!" Chester grinned.   
He was wearing a grin that just screamed 'Look, I'm a smile! See?'. "I'm proud of how I found the morphing box.   
You see, I had just gone out fishing. It was pretty damn unusual, because this HUGE spacefaring hippo floated down out of the sky - and regurgitated the box!".   
Rachel, Tobias, Ax and Marco all stood and applauded. Rachel motioned to their "Hero of the Millenia" board. "Chester, because you are the author of this self-insertion fic, we're going to take down that poster of the cow and put yours there!" Suddenly, half a dozen Chinese came in and started applauding. Rachel took down the poster of the cow who had gotten a PhD in astrophysics (because he could), and put up a freshly xeroxed copy of Chester's face. Chester, his ego swelling to the size of a large waffle, suddenly got a plan! "Ok, here is what we are going to do. Kill Visser 3, then kill the head of the Council of 13!" The others stood around and gaped.   
Gaped, because they hadn't quite worked out why THEY hadn't thought of killing those two.   
"But how do we kill Visser 3? I mean, he has the Andalite body of Algore Semicolon-Crabgrass. He can whup even MY gorgeous booty in combat. And we don't even know who the Kerk Emperor IS!"   
Chester silenced Marco with a lawsuit for being a prick.   
"I know all of these things, ohhh yes. You see, I'm all knowing.   
Yep yep yep". So, off they all went.   


* * *

Visser 3 was unhappy again. I mean, so unhappy that he'd ruined his Crayola colouring in book and also smashed his 'Visser 1' dartboard. To make matters worse, a bunch of stoopid Hoot-and-Jeers were still dancing around a giant butterfly net chanting "We caught the Animorphs", when really they'd failed months ago.   
He considered telling them, but it didn't seem worth it.   
A beep on his com board alerted him.   
"Visser 3, you have an incoming message from the Emperor."   
Visser 3 didn't normally get emotional, but this time he did.   
In fact, he'd only ever been this emotional after his Bridge partner had been killed and those Andalites had ruined his career plans to be a petroleum transfer technician. He hadn't ever seen the Emperor, but he had heard terrible rumours about his appearance.   
He pushed that to the back of his mind, however, when the Emperor's face appeared. "Greetings....Visser....3."   
The Visser could do nothing but stare. It was HORRIBLE!   
"I...have a job for you. You must.....find me some Tek to make war with! I must have it! And don't you have a life?"   
Visser 3 finally got enough courage to respond.   
"Of course I have a life! I'm a Visser, remember?"   
And the Emperor did.   
But at that moment, the Animorphs burst in.   
"The gig's up, Visser 3! And who's your....OH MY GOD!"   
Chester couldn't even bare to look at the hideous visage on the com screen. The Emperor began to laugh.   
"Hahahaha, Hahahaha HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!"   
Tobias, being everyone's favourite character, quickly killed Visser 3 with a large jar of beeswax. Chester, I think I know how we can get to the evil Emperor and kill him!   
Tobias nudged his beak around the screen, which fell away, revealing the Emperor hiding behind it."You...can't win, Animorphs! I.....am a legend!"   
Tobias had had enough of this. First he had become a nothlit.   
Then he'd been tricked by an Ellimist. And now he was being accosted by the most ugly visage in eternity - James T. Kirk! With that, Kirk's toupe and girdle deatched like magic and began attacking them. AHHH!! This toupe...its sucking my will to live! Tobias yelled. Marco tried to do something, but the corset covered his mouth.   
The others stood around, gaping in horror at the Kerk Emperor. But then something highly bizzare happened.   
Out of nowhere, light began forming. It swirled, as everything in the room froze, looking. It formed itself into a single form - and suddenly, an Andalite stood in the room. It was none other than Elfhelper-Signalflare-Shameful!   
Holy appearing dead guys! Tobias yelled.   
Elfhelper just looked at him sadly, then started fighting with Kerk.   
Out of nowhere, a bunch of 60's jazz musicians began playing Star Trek fight music. Chester decided it was time to go.   
"Quick, we're got to go, the the two dead legends are going to cause a catastrophic explosion!"   
And so they all runneth like hell to somewhere else.   
And then the ship blew up, and everyone went home.   
Except the cow with the PhD, who contracted Kruetzfeld Jacobs Disease and ate himself.   


THE END 

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End file.
